So I've been back from my trip to California for almost a week now.  I was back home with my parents for a few days and now we are in Florida enjoying a family vacation together for the first time in almost 10 years!  Sad but true.  It's nice to get away from everything and just relax on the beach, but I'm starting to wear down...just because I've been running across the country for almost 3 weeks now. 

But anyway, enough of that....let's talk about my trip to San Francisco!

To be honest, it wasn't anything like I thought it would be - especially the weather.  For some reason I was expecting warmer weather, but when we were there that definitely wasn't the case.  It's not that it was really cold but when the wind came off the bay it could get pretty chilly.  I actually ended up having to buy another pair of jeans and a light weight jacket while we were there.

The first day or so was really low key.  We did the whole tourist sightseeing thing and aside from that just indulged in shopping - way too much shopping actually. 

Saturday morning we went to the Pride events around the San Francisco Civic Center.  It was okay I guess.  Please keep in mind this was my first Pride event, so I am writing all of this as a first timer.  I'll comment more on all of this later.  Anyway, the big thing we did was Saturday night we went to the famous Castro theater to watch the world premier of "Another Gay Sequel"  the follow up to "Another Gay Movie."  The movie was soooo funny, so everyone go rent it and watch it when it comes out later this year.  Most of my friends liked it better than the original, but I'm a little partial to the first one. 

So anyway, when we came out of the theater the whole Pride Party on Castro was in full swing.  I've never seen so many drunks going crazy in the middle of the street in my life.  Some of the things people wore were definitely not to my liking and just the way people were acting was shameful in my opinion.  Okay, actually let's just go ahead and talk about the whole Pride stuff now since I'm on it.....

To be honest, I don't think I will be attending another Pride event.  Don't get me wrong, if you like that sort of thing....more power to you.  It's not my kind of event though.  To be frank, I almost felt embarrassed by what I saw there - embarrassed by the way we celebrate who we are.  Somehow I don't think being a drunken mess in the streets of San Francisco breaking beer bottles and screaming at the top of your lungs is a good way to let the world know you are proud of who you are. 

The world doesn't need to see another drag queen prancing the streets or some leather daddy spanking a tied up boy on the back of a float.  Do we really need to bring what goes on in the bedroom into the streets for everyone to see?  Not in my opinion.  The things we need to celebrate and proud of are legislative decisions and court rulings that bring us closer to equality.  We should celebrate the love between 2 women that has lasts more than half a century and culminated in their marriage after years of waiting for what they deserved.  We should celebrate the gay couples that productive members of society and are raising children that will become productive members of society.  These are the things I am proud of and the things we should be celebrating.

Maybe I'm alone in the way I feel....but that's just my personal opinion.  And like I said, I'm not trying to put down anyone that takes part in Pride from year to year.  All of us have our own way of celebrating the things for which we are prideful.

That's enough of that though.  Back to the whole sight seeing part of my trip to San Francisco.  Probably my favorite thing we did while we were there was going out to Napa Valley and wine country for a day.  Before we did that we made a quick stop at Muir Woods to the see the giant redwoods which was awesome.  It made me realize how much I want to go hiking and camping this fall, so hopefully I can find someone else that wants to go.  After our quick detour to Muir Forest, we headed to wine country and me and boys started a day of drinking...ohhhh man was that fun!  The older people on our tour bus LOVED us - then again how could you not love a bunch of tipsy charming young men from Tennessee??  Haha.

Speaking of Tennessee guys, or really just southern guys in general - I didn't realize how much I love a good southern boy until I was out in California.  I mean, cali guys are nice and all but nothing beats the guys back home. 

Okay, well I guess that's it for now.  I've got some other things I want to write about but I'll save them for another entry......

I called my dad today to wish him a happy father's day.  Before we were done talking, I was hurt. And although I would never tell him this....he made me cry.  And so, this is the letter to my dad, which he'll find in the morning.

Dad –

I’m not really sure what to say in this email, but it’s one that I felt I needed to write after our conversation yesterday,  and one we had a few weeks ago when we were talking about Amber getting married.  As my dad, I know that you want nothing but the best for me – and so the things that you say sometimes aren’t meant to hurt my feelings, and yet from my point of view they do.  They hurt because it makes me feel like no matter what I do in life  - how accomplished I am, what degrees I earn, or how happy I am with my life and who I am – I’ll always be disappointing you and mom in one big way.  My whole life I’ve done everything I can to become a better person and make a better life for myself and make you guys proud. 

I know that you and mom don’t understand; and in your eyes – my life is a choice.  And honestly, there’s nothing I can do to change that.  There’s nothing I can say that will make you believe any different.  But you haven’t stood in my shoes.  You haven’t felt my fears or cried my tears.  You don’t know what it’s like to worry if people will still love you for something you can’t change.  You don’t know what it’s like to have people hate you just because of who you love.  It isn’t a choice.  It’s who I am and I can’t change it.

Every day, on top of the other worries of life, I have an added weight – an extra burden to carry.  I’m constantly worrying about things like whether or not professors would give me lower grades on my lab work if they knew my secret.  Worrying about how patients would react in a small town if they knew (a reason that I will never practice back home).  Wondering how my own family – flesh and blood – would react and treat me if they knew. Worrying about how you and mom would react to me bringing home someone I'm in love with and whether or not you would ever really accept that person. You can’t imagine how that feels to think about these things day after day after day.  These are the things I think about – but never share with you all.

  And I don’t want you to think for a second that I am not happy with my life and the things I’ve accomplished – because I am.  I just wish I could make you see that I am happy – and love is blind.

But it’s conversations like the one we had yesterday or a few weeks ago.  Conversations when you say things like “you hope one day I’ll bring home a nice girl”  or “you worry about me” when I talk about going to California.   You may not be coming out and saying it – but you’re telling me that I’ve disappointed you and you’ll never accept me for who I am.  And that hurts.  I’ve never questioned the love you and mom feel for me, because I know you love me.  I know you’ll always be there for me for most things in life….but in the back of my mind, I know you don’t understand.  You don’t approve.  You don’t accept.  And whether you admit it or not, you’ll always be a little disappointed.

All I can do is live my life and hope that one day you’ll come around and see how happy I really am, unlike before when I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t.  And sure I was always smiling on the outside, but inside I was a train wreck – nothing more than twisted sadness and self hate.   

All I ask is that you think about these things.  You say you want me to be happy and you want the best for me – so trust in me.  Trust me when I say I’m happy and one day will be happy with someone else too.  Believe in me, the way I’ve always admired and believed in you.

Love Always ~ Your Son